I was born in 1990 in a small town. We stayed in town briefly before moving to the village. All my childhood memories are of the village. I only have vague memories of the town we lived in. Despite living in the village our parents took us to good schools. All the schools I attended were girls schools apart from university. I had never interacted with boys until the point I got to campus. I never had a boyfriend. Being an introverted child who stays at home all day did not help much.
When I joined campus, I was still a virgin and I stayed a virgin for quite some time. Then I got my first boyfriend, all hell broke loose. I was unstoppable. I let him take away my virginity and now I had discovered a new activity and I wanted to do it over and over again. I tried to remain faithful to my boyfriend but it was impossible. I could not say no to any guy who approached me. I slept with other guys around campus and beyond. I struggled with maintaining fidelity. We broke up a few months into the relationship after my boyfriend found out about my infidelity. I have not been able to maintain a relationship since then.
The end of this relationship only worked to escalate my ways. I would meet a guy in the morning and have sex with him few hours later. I did not get any satisfaction from it. God knows I never got a single orgasm from these sexual intercourses. Why did I keep doing it? I got the answer later when my life had been damaged beyond repair. I replaced my lack of orgasm with masturbation. I kept looking for something more. I could not tell what it was exactly I was looking for.
After having sex with a guy I would feel dirty and promise myself not to do it again. After a few days I would do the exact opposite. It became a cycle of promises only to break them few days later. There seemed to be a driving force behind my actions. I failed to notice that I had a problem. After all, wasn’t I living a normal life for a girl my age. I failed to notice I was overdoing it. It had reached abnormal heights.
I did not have a type. I could sleep with any guy as long as he had a penis. Young, old, or illiterate it did not matter. It reached a point where I could not keep track of the men I had sex with. They became too many. I joined an online dating site with the sole intention of meeting different guys. The campus guys were no longer appealing to me. Besides, I had slept with most of them. I would chat up the guys online and meet up for sex days later. I travelled to go meet these men. I was careful enough so as not to get pregnant. There were a couple of times when the sex had no protection.
I remember this particular day when I was so broke. Then I thought why not have paid sex only this once. I had been talking to this guy from my dating site. I gave him my condition if we were to have sex. He has to pay me. He accepted. Too quick in fact. I travelled quite a distance to go meet him. We met in a hotel but after sex, he excused himself to go buy something. Of course he never came back. I was left alone in a hotel room at night with no money to get me home. I panicked. The distance I had travelled could not allow me to walk back. Thankfully, a friend came through for me. One would think I would learn after this incident. Even I thought I would stop sleeping around. My fate had other plans. I did not learn. I never demanded for money from these men apart from only this once which also did not go as planned.
My sex escapades were done in high secrecy. My friends and family never noticed I had a problem. No one ever did. In their eyes I was the friend or daughter who never dates. They were worried I would end up lonely. Little did they know.
In campus, there were those ladies who were well-known whores. I was such a fake judging these ladies. What was the difference between me and them? None. We would discuss such ladies with my friends and lament on how they are ruining their lives. I was only discussing about how I was ruining my life.
I got pregnant shortly after univesity. My first and only solution was an abortion. I checked myself into a reputable hospital and went through with the procedure. No one ever found about the pregnancy. Sitting there waiting for the doctor to start the procedure, I remember making a mental note to never let a man touch me. Instead I let more men touch my body.
Everything has an end. My turning point came soon afterwards when I travelled again to go meet a guy for sex. We had unprotected sex but he left me in the hotel room after stealing all my stuff while I was in the bathroom. Luckily, he did not take all the money. I went back home and got back into routine. I was used to such incidences. Few months after this incident, I bumped into a Facebook discussion where a guy’s picture had been posted and ladies were discussing about him. The guy in the picture is the same guy I had unprotected sex with and stole my stuff. The story was he goes around sleeping with ladies infecting them with the AIDs virus and eventually stealing their stuff. So many ladies were sharing their experiences with this guy.
I thought this could not be happening to me. I was only having fun, how did I land a positive guy. I tried to convince myself that these ladies were just trolling his name. I was in denial for the longest time. I remember swearing never to get tested. It did not change the fact that I could be infected. I did not feel better either. I was so stressed at this point and had to talk to someone. I spoke to my mother. The day I revealed all this to her, she shed painful tears. She could not believe it. Afterall, I was the good girl. How was I capable of all that?
My mum referred me to a prophetic intercessor cum counselor. Listening to my story, he told me am suffering from sexual lust. Sexual lust? Yes, its a thing. He walked me through what I need to do to overcome sexual lust. He helped me through this period to the point I got over sexual lust. Masturbation was the hardest to get over. He encouraged me to get tested. Sadly, the results came out positive, I had been infected with the HIV virus. I have learnt to accept my condition. I am in a good place now. My parents have been so supportive.
The sexual lust is all in the past. I have to deal with the stigma and the never-ending medication. Going through the period of sexual lust, I did not see any problem with myself. I thought that at some point I will meet the one and settle down. I will no longer be sleeping around. I realized my problem much much later in life when damage control was impossible. I did not notice my problem. If I had sought help earlier on I would not be living positively.